Last weekend, I went back to Athens for the first time since March. My mom and I decided that since I am starting my semester online, we could make the best of it by going up to Athens and getting my annual sweatshirt from the college book store, going to the farmer’s market, and getting lunch. It’s not quite the same as moving in, but I was excited for the day and to spend time with my mom, and I really needed a change of scenery, to be honest with you. When we got to Athens, things were… different.Let me tell you, it was pretty surreal. There was almost no one walking around campus. It was all completely desolate.

It was so haunting to see a place that was once bustling with liveliness, fun, and excitement

Completely. Dead.

We walked to one of my favorite spots on campus, a little park with a pound, fountain, and some benches. When I was at school, I used to go there just to sit, process my day, maybe talk to a friend, or to just watch the world go by a little bit. It’s beautiful and peaceful, which is what I needed. Mom and I were standing on the little bridge, peering over the water. I stared at the scummy, green pond water. I stared at it a little more. Before I knew it, tears started welling up in my eyes.

My reaction surprised even myself. It had been a really fun day. I was thankful to spend time with my mom at one of my favorite places on such a nice day. Truly, I wasn’t sad. So why was I having such an emotional reaction to everything?

Maybe it was because I had relived so many little forgotten happy memories of being with my new friends.

Maybe it was that I was supposed to be here now.

Maybe it was the fact that me one year ago had no idea what was coming.

Maybe it was that my life looks completely different than what I thought it would look like.

Maybe it was that one day Corona seemed like such of the foreign thing, and the next day I was packing up my dorm room without getting to say a real goodbye to my friends. 

Maybe it was the fact that I have been trying so hard to stay positive about things that I never let myself process what everything meant to me.

It was definitely a combination of all of these things, and hundreds of other things, too. Maybe other things that I am not even aware of yet.

As I say this, I still am not sad. I don’t know what it is I am feeling exactly. Corona has been a tragedy for thousands of people. Truly, my heart goes out to everyone who has lost someone to this virus.

I am learning and growing a lot from this time in quarantine. I am learning to roll with uncertainty (kind of- I am still working on this one). I am learning to make the most of an otherwise confusing situation. I am learning  sometimes I will feel sad and angry, and that is a part of being human. I am learning to accept the way life is in the present moment rather than wishing things were different.

As I reflected on the fun nights staying up late in my dorm, dinners with my friends from classes and my hall, memories of working in my dining hall, and all the things that make college, well, college, I learned it’s important to live life to the fullest because we never know when situations outside of our control will make it hard to do that.

Walking around campus made me realize that I take a lot for granted, too. So many times at school, I was homesick. A lot of times, I found myself wishing away my time at school to be where I am now. But looking around everything made me regret wishing away what I had then. And someday, I know I will regret wishing away my time at home with my family.

I don’t know a lot, but I do know I am going to come out of this pandemic a stronger me. I look at where I was and where I am now, and I am proud of the progress I’ve made. 

I don’t know what I was feeling, exactly, in that moment looking over the bridge. But I am grateful that I was feeling something . I once heard a saying that went something like, “It’s better to have loved and lost, than to never loved at all”. My tears meant that I had a lot of love. Love for OU, the friends that I had met there, and, yes, even the hard parts of college, too. I had love for my life before the pandemic. Even though it’s not what I pictured it being now, I have a lot of love for my current life. For the stronger, different me.

  I have love for the future life; life after the pandemic. I don’t know when the end of everything will be. I don’t know what is going to happen next. But I do know life is beautiful, even if it’s not what I thought it would ever look like. Maybe that’s why I was crying on the bridge.