At 11:59 pm tonight, I have to make a pretty big decision. So I’m doing what I do: I got up early today and reflected, wrote about those reflections, then reflected on the writing of my reflections. Decisions are hard for me, mainly because I am sure of a lot of things in life. But like everyone else, I am not always sure of my place in my own life.

The days are made up of a lot of micro decisions. Most decisions, I admittedly put in more thought than is needed. My decisions are guided by my feelings, which change. A lot. Let me guide you through a simple decision that I overcomplicate every day: I pick out an outfit in my head before I go to bed. “Yup, I’m pretty sure about this”, I think as I am drifting off to sleep. The next morning, I put on the outfit. “Yeah, no, this doesn’t feel right anymore”, I say to myself 99.99999999 percent of the time. I put on 1, 2, 3 more outfits until it feels right. Clothes end up on the floor. Lots of clothes. Sometimes I come home and feel completely different, so I change my outfit to match that. More clothes on the floor. Most days I go through 3 or 4 outfits. 

It seems small, but this is an example of how I make all of my decisions. If I can barely go with a snap judgement on what I am going to wear, how do I decide the bigger things: what I am going to do, how it effects me, how it effects others, how things will effect me in the grander plan of my WHOLEENTIRELIFEANDIFYOUMAKETHEWRONGDECISIONITWILLHAUNTYOUFOREVERGRACE!!!!!!!!!!!! 

So yeah, decisions are hard, but are they really easy for anyone? 

I am a walking contradiction, and I have always been aware of this. I am a people person who wants to be alone. I am free spirited, yet I crave order and structure. I am fiercely independent, yet I crave community. I feel like a 90 year old, but also an 11 year old at the same time. And yeah, I am aware how new-agey and hippieish this sounds. But it’s the truth. I don’t see my contradictions as a bad thing. I see them as a human thing. To be human means to change, a lot. Sometimes multiple times in a day, hour, minute, maybe even seconds.

Decisions are hard for me because I don’t know exactly what it is I want from life, exactly. If you asked me where I see myself in 10 years, I honestly could not tell you. I have always admired people who have a vision for their future. People who say “In ten years I see myself working for ______ company with a ranch style house in the country, 2 dogs, married, and with 2, maybe 3 kids” both intimidate me and amaze me a little bit, especially at this age or younger. I could tell you how I want to feel in 10 years, but I could not tell you where I want to be or do.

See, I was never the kid to have a dream job when I was in elementary school because I could never stick with anything for too long. One day I wanted to be PRESIDENT GRACE OF THE WHOLE WORLD and another day I would want to be a maid for the president (yup…I went through a maid phase, if that’s even a thing)

My childhood was made up of phases. I was always making reinventing myself, trying on different selves like different outfits. 1 year I was “hippy Grace” one year I was “rocker Grace” another I was “disco Grace” yeah…disco Grace. I am just going to leave that here. Life is exciting because every day I can be someone a little different if I want to. Life is scary because I can be someone a little different if I want to. 

Decisions mean picking one life over another. It’s super easy to be stuck in the what if’s of life. “What if I do(n’t) decide to do this one thing and my life is completely different?”

So how do I even decide anything if I put so much of myself into everything? Well, here’s the secret to the craziness: The world keeps turning whether you take x oppurtunity or y oppurtunity. The world keeps turning whether you take that chance or not. The world keeps turning even if you take every ounce of your being to try to stop it. The world is more powerful than our thoughts. And guess what!? 100 percent of your decisions will turn out okay. Any thing you decide, you will be okay.

At 11:59 pm, I have to make a tough decision. (and yes, I am going to take my sweet time making that decision) I am going to go to bed, (planning my outfit) and I am going to wake up the next morning (and planning my outfit again). And you know what? I’ll be content with my decision.

The world will still spin. The way the world spins is quite beautiful, so why would I try to stop it? I’m going to stop resisting. I’m going to lay down my arms. This time, I’m going to spin with the world instead of against it.